(Sharing 27th December 2010)
I discovered the greatest blessings of continuous repentance recently:
1) Hear word of God in anticipation of what I have thought wrong, thus done wrong uncontrollably in my life
2) Repent, realizing God is indeed alive, therefore, He don’t let me go, and rebukes disciplines me until I realize and submits to Him in humility and restores love
3) Have joy and hear Him pleased with me just because I have heard what He says and have done what He says.
Thanks all for prayers for my father. He is still in ICU, but situation getting better and better each day. Seen from men, it can be normal healing process, but seen from the hopelessness, pain, illness and age of father, and doctors actually wanting to use less antibiotics, artificial oxygen, sedatives, blood-thickening medication, nutrition food into the veins on him to want his own organs to be of use again, we know it is God Who enabled the use of the organs back to normal operation. No matter how advanced medical technology is, I see that they can only assist the body’s own immune system and self-cleansing functions of kidney, breathing functions of lungs, and heart-thumping functions of the heart. The diverticulitis perforation actually caused problems to multiple organs – heart, blood, kidney, lungs, brain, intestines, liver – but God made them healed and function again miraculously. We know God still has a purpose for my father on earth. I always remember most vividly the day when many Upper Room pastors and missionaries came to my home along with Rev Leechull, and though I never thought they would just come in like that into my home, my father was totally surprised and got so anxious in such a very thankful tone when he said, “Huh! So many pastors in our home!” I believed he kept this matter in his heart that very day, never tearing down ministries which are used by God, feared God in His heart, and always wanting to learn more about God.
Below are my draft notes and 7-days diary of what happened to my father, and the things I learnt.
21 Dec Tuesday evening
(After arriving Singapore from Dubai, transit tour from main Europe tour, reached hospital)
Father is biting tubes, suffering greatly.
Prayed with father, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, … I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" – the peace of the world not in being well or in recovery, but in knowing God is in charge.
Sent email to inform Rev Leechull for prayer support as the first thing in my heart (Zhishan had a planned family vacation, and I just followed my heart of wanting to rely on God). He confirmed and acknowledged this requires brethren’s prayers.
22 Dec Wed
Tried to submit "complaint letter" hoping to escalate the matter to help father, only realizing it can only help reduce cost, which can be done later.
Met doctor Lee (ICU doctor) who, with sweet words, comforted mother much with his sweet words.
Met colonic surgery doctor Sim (in same team). Was told off by her ridiculously why I had to ask a third time. God has a reason to rebuke.
Repented of the need to be humble, await God’s time and answers, and stick by the fully-equipped gospel, seeking for God’s perfect will, recalling what happened before leading till this. Change of church matter in place, and persuaded mother that Pastor Ong’s reluctance for them to come over needed to be reconsidered in the light of all events, as God’s convictions in my heart also fired up desires to take care of parents more closely with their last few years on earth.
Father’s condition took a turn at around evening time. He slept and was not biting tubes that often. This was a turn with brethren’s continuous prayers.
Realized relatives, people from Sion and own church people kept coming, and kept matter in heart, knowing there is more spiritual battle ahead.
Need to lead family (mother, sister) in seeing things correctly.
23 Dec Thu
Nurses re-plastered oxygen tubes, looks nicer on father. Dialysis not needed anymore, father is breathing on his own now at 30% oxygen level, signs of jaundice appears on father’s face. With relatives’ instruction, hear God’s voice that we as father’s closed ones have to tell father not to bite the tubes, and I saw this really worked with father really responding to obey unconsciously.
Realized I need to address all vistor’s concerns, including comforting and putting forth an absolute perspective so they won’t feel afraid but will have a light unto their path of thoughts and ways. Realized this can become a great testimony, if God’s guidance is followed through.
Brethrens and all said that knee operation and diverticulitis perforation is probably not related. This helped focus back on not going only on complaining and suing path.
Confirmed the nurses at SGH are really better (than doctors?)
A day of tiredness, having less strength so not knowing how to handle relatives asking us to sue, realized the need to be Holy Spirit filled.
After coming back, sent more complete update to Rev Leechull and all, as they asked for updates.
24 Dec Fri
Understanding I need to hold on to correct perspective with "no complaints or blames" as the spirit is in contrast with the Holy Spirit, went with peace, as I recalled yesterday not being able to speak a word of God’s word to father if I try to think parallel to accept God’s love and to seek justice. We’d rather be in wrongs and being naive in not knowing how to pursue updates with doctors than to destroy God’s holy and perfect convictions. In fact, God has been gracious in providing wisdom and lessons from people coming, on checking symptoms, medicine, addressing all things, on things like this ICU, for the sake of people going to be hospitalized.
Was rebuked by cousin due to some Sion Presbyterian misunderstanding of us, but confirmed and understood that God tells me to add loving kindness in all convictions received, and could never win debates with people who misunderstand and persecute us because of the Emmanuel message.
Realized the deep spiritual problems of my whole household and all those who visited, and when this was understood correctly, my critical point of view turned into compassionate and thanksgiving for relatives and brethrens from Sion.
Realized our family (from mother’s complaints) kept having hints of being inferior and being despised by people as a spiritual problem, therefore also seeing unlucky things happening through such perspectives. The reason of our inferiority is not knowing that we must suffer for all for the gospel.
Prayed with father that we must suffer for the sake of the gospel – man may be wrong, but God will not only compensate, but give us even more above what is supposed to be compensated. Played Suyun’s "O Holy Night" recording to father as a Christmas Carol. Father seems to become even more peaceful (he struggled less, heart beat went down more from close to 100) when I spoke to him in the ear about God’s perfect will about forgetting people’s wrongs.
Went caroling at evening time from reluctance to submission, remembering God will take care of our loved ones if we take care of His. When this was done, friends of doctors said knee operation morphine leading to constipation of 2 days may indirectly lead to diverticulitis perforation, and this may be used to for putting forth to reduce escalting cost, hopefully when father can come out of ICU and be well first.
25 Dec Sat
Discovered gall bladder poison high, did liver scan, scan report with no problems. TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition) (can cause blood sugar level to rise and jaundice).
Heard when sedatives was taken away, father struggled.
Told father to submit to the Lord’s guidance and the doctor’s help as this is the way of Christ on the cross for absolute strength, power and victory, but submission is not blind, but it is our way to fight a battle with the unseen spiritual and unseen toxins and bacteria in the body.
Prepared for tithes (never to steal God’s money in any way if I ever receive His convictions), gone to check cpf, and saw I could help in payments of operations with my medisave.
Understood again that God gave His living word for us to do first, because we do not know what to do first in the darkness of the world, so that submission first, having joy first because of just doing what He says in the word can light up our path ahead, and in this, we will then follow through and see ourselves aligned correctly, grow correctly and receiving the correct Holy Spirit’s convictions. Before doing, listening to every word of God and quickly submitting to that very word of God for us is utmost important. Then we will have peace.
26 Dec Sun
Realized about four things that make up the complete and whole convictions of the Holy Spirit, giving the perfect will. I woke up in the morning and wrote most of this diary, trying to recall God’s works these few days.
1) Christ is the Great Prophet. He has a perfect plan. Seeking out God’s works behind all these will calm the hearts and make us strong. The child of God confidence and faith will appear. This is the mystery of the incarnation of Christ.
2) Christ is the Great Priest. Must add love and compassion from God, to the convictions tested and approved from 1). The convictions will be totally different in many cases. Humility will come because Christ even suffered for undue reasons, and the perspective of the love of Christ comes and takes over. This is the mystery of the death and resurrection of Christ.
3) Christ is the Great King. Must conclude with God being the victory. There must surely be evidences if God is alive and we use the method of love in awaiting upon the Lord and rather lose than to win outwardly. God must become the Mastor of our lives so that living evidences will be shown. It seems that love precedes handing all our authority to God as He being our Mastor and Lord of lords. Without evidences, our belief will become a fake Pharisee zealous act.
4) If we know the perfect will of God, we can prophesize with an assured heart before things happen.
Anything that is missing from the above four, it does look like we will go into mysticism, legalism, humanism or prosperity gospel.
After Sunday Worship, went to see father. Father’s oxygen tubes have been removed and replaced with oxygen mask. He has begun to speak! (though on average, most words cannot be understood.) My mother and we all are very happy!
27 Dec Mon
This is the time to pray for “Emmanuel” understanding of the whole process. A time to pray for concrete voices of unity of family: church belonging and household salvation. A time to pray for father not to go into fear of health during recovery process, but on father’s continual reliance on God understanding the perfect plan of God in our family. A time to pray for renewal of all my time arrangements: church, brethrens, serving, personal, spousal, family, and work. A most important time for four gospelizations and the understanding of the fully-equipped and holistic gospel.